There are many times in the last 3 months that I have looked at Adalyn and wondered how in the world God allowed me to created someone so perfect. There are also times I look at Adalyn and think what in the world did I do to deserve this baby I call my own. This time two years ago I was wondering if happiness in the form of a child would ever come into my life. Now I have to pinch myself every morning that this sweet face wakes up with a huge smile and a happy to greeting. Life is funny. However, I still feel like a failure in my different parts of my life. As I sit here looking around at my house I see a hot mess from traveling last week, there are baby things everywhere, a laundry basket full of dirty clothes, the kitchen is a hot mess with dirty dishes from dinner last night. {{FAILURE}}!!! I feel like if I was a good {wife} I'd have everything done and perfect so that when my husband came home from a long day of work he could realize that I did {something}. That his hard work at a job everyday was for a greater reason and that my hard work at home would prove that! But the truth is not everyday does he realize I did something because a lot of time the house stays the same because I am normally loving a baby, changing a baby, feeding a baby or not MOVING when our baby takes a nap {{these are rare in our life during the day}}. All these failures I see in my as a wife tend to lend their way into making me feel like a failure as a photographer as well. Perhaps because I have treated my career as a photographer as a hobby and trying to be "fair" to families who just want good quality images I have marked myself low. I look at images from my last year and even I am amazed at how incredible some of my work has become. But yet I pout when I haven't booked a wedding, when someone hires a different photographer for their 1 year olds cake smash pictures... I feel like a failure when I can't sale a Posh Chunk or lotion.. Those {thoughts} of failures I am starting to learn come from a bit of unnecessary self-doubt.
Truth is this little girl who is 3 months old today is my GREATEST personal achievement. I remember a year ago (in Nov) going to the OBGYN and being told my sugar was out of control, my baby was in harm if I didn't fix the issues there would be no Adalyn.. I quickly jumped in the "i'll prove you wrong" mind frame. Adalyn's first 37 weeks of good health was purely because of my willingness to not FAIL. There was no other option then to be successful. As I get down on myself I try to constantly remind myself of that determination. Her life is what I need to remind myself to fight to overcoming my failures, my fears of failure, my lack of self-worth I remember her. Being a momma is tough! Being a business owner is tough! Being a wife is tough! Being all you can be is tough! But the greatest achievement we can all achieve is believing in ourselves.
Whatever you are struggling with... believing you can overcome that struggle will lead you to the greatest success ever!!
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