Turn your ears on....

It amazes me how having a little human around makes you much more alert to your surroundings.  I hardly ever get a goodnights sleep now days.  I used to try to beat my husband to bed so I could get into a deep sleep before he started snoring. Yes I love and adore my snoring husband.  However, now with Adalyn I stay in a very lite sleep. I still check on her at least once a night. I have yet to overcome my fear of her not breathing. Well some nights I find myself in the living room sleeping because its just too hard to slow my brain down, get comfortable or get past the noise in our bedroom.  Last night I found myself on the sofa. I never worry about Adalyn because I know I will hear her. Strange right? Last night in the middle of the night she got to coughing and then let out a little whimper, I was up and to her within seconds. 

It made me really think this morning.... 

What in my life have I been missing out on because I am too busy to listen.  Who needed my love, support or help but I was to busy to listen for their soft whimpers over the loud chaos of life. When did God give me the answer I felt He never answered because of the chaos I chose to follow instead of listening. We could easily say that chaos is satan best at work. God always gives us the soft voice of reason, He is always there and capable of getting our attention. But perhaps we think we "missed Him" because our ears or our hearts aren't focused in.  I can hear Adalyn because she means everything to my life.  The success of her growth, her safety and her everything is based on God's love! It's also based of the responsibility given to Steve and I. 

 I challenge you with this:::  if you think you can't hear through the chaos.. you CAN! Focus on what's important.  {{STOP}} {{Listen}} to the cries of help around you, listen to God speaking into you.  Each answer, each object of help maybe small or it maybe HUGE..  But all are waiting for you to turn your ears and heart on and welcome them in your daily chaos! 

"My little monster"

Notice the cute (likely a boy) onesie Adalyn has on... Of course mommy added a bow so it was a little more "girlie." Well there is a story behind this onesie. I know shocker right :)! Around this time last year I was picking up a few things at Hobby Lobby for a wedding I was photographing when I came upon this little onesie on clearance for 75% off.  I called Steve and told him I found the cutest little onesie, sent him a picture and asked if I could buy it.  He hardly ever tells me no but this time I remember him saying sure but don't you think you might want to wait? Well something in me looked at that onesie and knew there would be a little body in it one day.  Little did I know only a few weeks after buying "My little monster" was I pregnant with Adalyn.  This reminds me so much of our ambitions and dreams in life.  What are you /I holding back on? I could have easily left this piece of clothing on the shelf and never looked back.  I could have reminded myself that it would take time to get pregnant. Instead,  I went with my gut and I bought this cute little onesie for $2.75.  As I prepare to take on a new adventure with Steve and Adalyn by my side, I want nothing more then the fears that I have to stay deep in the back of my head and the faith I had in getting pregnant would be the same encouragement I keep focused on in this new season of business and life.  

I want to challenge each of you to make goals and dreams! Take a big step (in my case buying this onesie) to help push you forward in those goals and dreams.  Everything doesn't happen over night. Some things take a lot of time for God to work out the details. However, I fully believe that if we put our faith in God, set our minds for success and dream big, no matter how long it takes you will achieve all your life goals/dreams.  I want to get out in the open the goals I have for myself... this way I can hold myself accountable and one day when Adalyn is reading this blog she can be inspired to be GREAT and to work hard like her mommy (and of course her daddy). She can also see what how hard we both worked for her!

Quote of the day (yesterdays sermon) 

" I am today, what I thought about myself yesterday, And I will be tomorrow what I think about myself today"

Dreams:

Worry less and trust more

Be credit card debt free in 2 years

Grow a thriving clothing company

Photograph 1 wedding a month

Have another baby

Live in a two story house (with hardwood floors) pool in the backyard would be awesome

Make enough money to retire my husband from full time work

Build a shower facility for the homeless 

Raise a thriving, active, happy daughter

Love my body 

Write a book

I will close with my favorite two quotes of all time....

"If the size of your dream doesn't intimidate you, its insulting God."

"Hard work beats talent, when talent doesn't work hard."

Happy DREAMING friends!! Let God help you take a HUGE step into the unknown in finding, living and loving your dreams!

3 Month check point!

There are many times in the last 3 months that I have looked at Adalyn and wondered how in the world God allowed me to created someone so perfect.  There are also times I look at Adalyn and think what in the world did I do to deserve this baby I call my own.  This time two years ago I was wondering if happiness in the form of a child would ever come into my life.  Now I have to pinch myself every morning that this sweet face wakes up with a huge smile and a happy to greeting.  Life is funny.  However, I still feel like a failure in my different parts of my life.  As I sit here looking around at my house I see a hot mess from traveling last week, there are baby things everywhere, a laundry basket full of dirty clothes, the kitchen is a hot mess with dirty dishes from dinner last night. {{FAILURE}}!!!  I feel like if I was a good {wife} I'd have everything done and perfect so that when my husband came home from a long day of work he could realize that I did {something}.  That his hard work at a job everyday was for a greater reason and that my hard work at home would prove that! But the truth is not everyday does he realize I did something because a lot of time the house stays the same because I am normally loving a baby, changing a baby, feeding a baby or not MOVING when our baby takes a nap {{these are rare in our life during the day}}.  All these failures I see in my as a wife tend to lend their way into making me feel like a failure as a photographer as well.  Perhaps because I have treated my career as a photographer as a hobby and trying to be "fair" to families who just want good quality images I have marked myself low. I look at images from my last year and even I am amazed at how incredible some of my work has become. But yet I pout when I haven't booked a wedding, when someone hires a different photographer for their 1 year olds cake smash pictures... I feel like a failure when I can't sale a Posh Chunk or lotion.. Those {thoughts} of failures I am starting to learn come from a bit of unnecessary self-doubt. 

Truth is this little girl who is 3 months old today is my GREATEST personal achievement. I remember a year ago (in Nov) going to the OBGYN and being told my sugar was out of control, my baby was in harm if I didn't fix the issues there would be no Adalyn.. I quickly jumped in the "i'll prove you wrong" mind frame.  Adalyn's first 37 weeks of good health was purely because of my willingness to not FAIL. There was no other option then to be successful.  As I get down on myself I try to constantly remind myself of that determination.  Her life is what I need to remind myself to fight to overcoming my failures, my fears of failure, my lack of self-worth I remember her.  Being a momma is tough! Being a business owner is tough! Being a wife is tough! Being all you can be is tough!  But the greatest achievement we can all achieve is believing in ourselves.

Whatever you are struggling with... believing you can overcome that struggle will lead you to the greatest success ever!! 

"Find a love like your daddy"

Dear Adalyn Dale,
I think that it's important that I share with you while you are off sleeping and dreaming about your prince charming right now during your nap time,  that love isn't easy.  While I know you are only 3 weeks old I have to tell you I want so badly to protect your little heart from all the heartbreak your mommy endured.  However, the truth is, just like Gamma tried to protect me from a few broken hearts, you will have to fall a few times to find the right love for you.
One movie quote I love the most is from Grease (I pray you will come to love this movie as much as I do) :
---{{Men are rats, listen to me, they're fleas on rats, worse than that, they're amoebas on fleas on rats. I mean, they're too low for even the dogs to bite. The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy}}---

The truth is little one the only real man a girl can trust and learn from to find the perfect prince just for you is your daddy!
You're Paw Paw for example.  Yes he is stubborn, melts when he see's you (he was like that with mommy as well), he is compassionate, loving, laid back, always has an ear to listen to mommy's troubles, leaves the best notes and gives the best hugs! God picked him to be my daddy because he is very much in many ways like your daddy.  The characteristics they share are the same ones that made mommy fall in love with your daddy!

While it is important to find someone who was created just for you, it's more important to value who you are.

Loving yourself sweet girl has a greater value then someone else loving you.  Once you learn to look in the mirror and say {{I Love ME}} then you will truly understand how to accept someone else's love unconditionally. Love in our world seems to come very easy. Whatever you do skip the "easy" and wait for the love that makes you work on yourself to understand. Many times your mommy "thought" she had the love she had looked for but really truly the only thing I had was someone who  could fill a void that only I could truly fill.

When you are solid in your own footsteps then God will truly bless your life. 

I know as you read this you might not believe me. But trust me! It is so true.. 

How do I know?

In 2013 (three years ago from right now) I had every plan to take my life because I thought that the person I was with was the "love" of my life.  When that all ended I had lost hope. I had found my value in someone else, he held the key to my happiness in his own pocket.  You're Aunt Caleigh shook mommy up and made her realize that what I didn't have was mine to gain. She made me realize that my life wasn't over. In fact it hadn't begun yet.  

Harsh truth is she was right.  So I spent almost 2 years learning to love me.

I met your daddy at the end of 2014.  He didn't try to control my happiness, in fact he couldn't because I had found value in my own self worth. Instead your daddy helped me love myself even more as I learned to grow and love him.

The love that I had for myself over time was so strong that I learned I could love your daddy MORE.  He became a priority because I knew I still had value in myself.  To say I have had a Cinderella love story is SO TRUE! You're daddy is a sweep you off your feet kind of man! You don't know this but, each night I get to watch your daddy sweep you off your feet after he changes and gets you ready for bed.  He is so in love with you. I get to watch his love and hear his words of love over your life daily.  He wants nothing but the best for his sweet little girl just like your Paw Paw wanted for me.

My final words of advice as you navigate through your own adventure in love is this:

 Fall in love with Jesus
 Fall in love with yourself
 Love your daddy (he holds many keys to finding the right man)

No matter how many times you fall, no matter how many heartbreaks you will have.. Mommy will always be there to pick you up, help you shake off the dirty and give you another push to keep dreaming and never settle! 

You are special my sweet little girl. You are loved my sweet little girl. You will change the world and show a greater love then you could ever imagine sweet little girl of mine!

"The Dress"

A few months ago (winter time) when I was back home staying with my grandparents (my father was sick) my grandmother pulled out a dress from her spare bedroom closet.  It was a precious little dress I knew nothing about until she shared with me its story.  My great grandfather bought this beautiful little dress for my mother's dedication.  My grandmother had a good mind about her to save the dress for one day in the future.  Well of course as you know I am a sucker for a good story.  On Saturday my grandmother came with my mom for a short visit to meet Miss. Adalyn "dress in hand." I was super excited to have this pretty little memory in my care now.  We hope to have Adalyn christened and dedicated sometime in the next few months (hopefully she won't grow to fast). 

In addition we did happen to capture the beautiful moments with Adalyn and her Gamma and Great-Grandmother.  4 Generations in one picture! We continue to have memories to share and new memories to be made.

She is one lucky little girl to have such amazing women on both sides of her family to love on her, teach her, share wisdom with her and of course share stories!

The Veil

I have a huge love for all things family.  Maybe it's because on one side of my family I am the only girl and now Adalyn take's over that role as the next great granddaughter.  My grandmother Foster has always passed down different heirlooms  to me since I was 16 years old.  I love anything that has a story.  I have the first locket my grandfather gave to my grandmother, her original wedding band and the diamond in my engagement ring was my grandmothers.  When I went to pick out my own wedding dress I took my mother's veil with me in hopes that I would be able to find a dress that would match.  My mother's dress was a size 1 so that wasn't going to happen! So the veil was my only hope to keep my mother close to me on my big day.

A little about this veil. 

My grandmother McNeill made my mother's entire wedding dress and veil, it was lined with beautiful lace and pearls from top to bottom. All hand sewn with love! 

My mother was STUNNING in her dress.  However, the dress and veil was a candlelight ivory color (I made that color up myself ha) so every dress I tried on didn't really work with her veil.  I was super disappointed as I wanted to be able to use her veil as my something old.   Lucky for me my wedding planner  had the idea to take some of the lace and pearls off my mothers veil and wrapped my bouquet with it so that my mother's veil was present for my magical day.  

As most of you on Facebook know I started making headband flowers for Adalyn to kill time and destress the last few weeks of my pregnancy.  I was looking around our condo and found my mother's veil in a wedding box.  Of course I thought now that would be a beautiful headband and  Adalyn would have the flower to use (if she wished) on her special day. Something old from her childhood, from mommies special day worn by her Gamma and made by her great grandmother.

Sadly when I put the flower together I didn't think about the size of Adalyn's head! Of course the flower itself is bigger then her head right now! So mommy had to improvise.  Here is the first reveal of Adalyn and her Gamma's wedding veil! I am sure in a few months I can do another set of pictures. Maybe a beach session with only a diaper cover, the leftover veil around her and the headband! For now.. I am over the moon for this little girl and the many "first" and many things I will be able to pass down to her.

Labor should have a different name... Emotional rollercoaster, pain like never before...

I never understood why people would be so excited about a birthing story.  Truth is we all have one, I can vaguely tell you the story my mom has told me about my birth. To be honest I'll likely never share the thoughts truly deep in the darkness of my mind during Adalyn's birth! However, I have been asked and of course I love to blog. Since I'll be at home with Adalyn most of her baby life I thought instead of sharing an overload (which we do anyway) of excitement I would have a place to post so that one day Adalyn can come back and read every adventure she had from birth on.

How did we get here--
I didn't make my pregnancy an easy one, between freaking out about my sugars, to wondering why my child wasn't moving, or I couldn't feel her kick, not to mention the trips to specialist, the money spent (while I wasn't working) etc.. However, on June 27th I got the word I had been waiting for! I had made it 37 weeks 1 day and our doctor said lets get this girl out July 11th. I can remember crying and the staff at our OBGYN being so excited for us. July 11th wasn't ideal for our family because we really wanted to be fair to Steve's brother having a special wedding day. However, after some prayer and support from those around us we knew this was the best decision for our pregnancy.

July 11th, 2016
Alarm was set for 3:15am! However, Steve and I both were up at 2:30am in separate rooms unable to get any sleep. At 3:45am we had one final picture take as a party of 2! My goodness was my weigh showing! Whew!

4:05am we arrived at the bay doors of the emergency room. After a few signatures we were taken to the maternity suit to being the process of induction. As we walked in we were greeted by the overnight nurse.  Our Doctor told me when I got there to go ahead and tell them at I wanted a epidural so they could begin the fluids etc to make it easier so when it was time I could get it.  They started my IV and the pitocin shortly after 4:45am. I was 3 cm dilated when we arrived which they bragged about!! At about 8:00am I begin to feeling small contractions. Not unbearable but enough that I knew we were on track. Of course that wasn't my biggest issue.  I struggled my entire pregnancy with being able to breath out of my nose. I asked over and over again for nose spray and they weren't able to give me any... at this point I was getting really upset which caused a crying fit! Thank goodness an hour later my mom had, had enough and ran to the store and got me nose spray.  At around 9:15am our doctor came in and broke my water.  At this point the contractions where starting to put me on my knees. We were checked and I was 5cm dilated and I need that EPIDURAL fast! Of course this meant they were going to turn off the pitocin and we would have to start over from the lowest level a lot of times making labor longer.  It wasn't until around 11:30 that they actually came in to give me the epidural.  Everyone was asked to leave the room so my mom and Steve went to get things out of their cars. Doctor "Magic"  he wasn't magical for me! Anyways  he got me in position and gave me the pre shot-- NOTHING, gave me another shot and needle--NOTHING, third time said to take a deep breath of course I am in tears from pain and then.. NOTHING. To which he said "Sorry, you aren't a candidate for epidural." I was devastated! I was in so much pain! I lost my cool and everyone in that hospital wing heard my screams and uncontrollable crying.  The nurse ran down each hall of the wing looking for anyone that was with me to help calm me down.  A few minutes later they found Steve, my mom and now my dad (who had just arrived).  She gave them the news which they didn't need to hear as they could hear my screams from down the hall. Quickly my parents ran to my side with Steve.  All full of tears as they knew that I was in great pain. This was the first time I had seen my father so naturally like any little girl when I saw him he was the only comfort I wanted.  I'll never forget that embrace for the rest of my life. A true daddy's girl moment.  Him and I had a similar moment at their home in Mount Holly weeks before we found out I was pregnant because I was overwhelmed with sugar issues and trying to get pregnant.  My daddy held me with a rose in his hand and said "you will do this." Steve of course knew the pain level cried with me as I watched the monitor go up for each contractions.  I knew at this point there wasn't a good chance that I would be able to handle the pain of birth.  Call me a wimp but all you "go natural moms" good for you! That was NOT my plan!  We called the doctor in and talked pain management and options.  It was either you have this baby on your own or we do a C-Section that you will be asleep for because if the epidural didn't work the meds for an awake C-Section wasn't an option.  She did tell us there was one more doctor, a female that could try for the epidural one more time if I was up for it.  I said yes. She came up within minutes since after checking my dilation and I had progressed alone no meds to 7 1/2 cm, we were running out of time.  This doctor well SHE WAS DOCTOR MAGIC! her first try to get the epidural in and within minutes I went from pains I couldn't handle to numbness.

Praise the Lord! I prayed God would provide and He did! Just like I am sure if I hadn't gotten the epidural He would have given me the strength to do what I needed to to have Adalyn.  Our nurse came in and did a check 9cm and going strong. Keep in mind this is WITHOUT pitocin so my body was ready! We were told there was a mom ahead of us in the process so we would have to wait before pushing.  To our surprise our doctor came in and check and said we were ready.  For 47 minutes I pushed.  I still to this day don't understand the concept of pushing but apparently as my doctor would say "your a rockstar pusher and we are having a baby." The only other words I can remember in those moments were breath, deep push, she has a lot of hair, here she comes, let me help you she is stuck and then pressure, pressure and BOOM our daughter came into the world.  Pretty pink complexion, head full of hair, lungs made for singing and a long body.  Seeing Steve look at his daughter for the first time was perfect in my mind.  "He got tender" for a moment and so did my daddy! At 3:47pm our 8lbs 10 oz and 21ins long active lady arrived. She was over a pound heavier then expected and because of my small bone structure it would have been nearly impossible for me to have a much bigger baby. My doctor was impressed with my 8 hours of labor and only pushing 47 minutes for my first baby! In her words your next will be FAST!! (In my words next?)

 

The aftermath, I don't care what people say you never forget the pain.  My daughter is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, she is perfect from head to toe, I sit in awe over how God touched this precious little girl broken bones, bruises and all! But the moment they gave her to me I had tons of emotions and the pain was real.  The pain is still real. The understanding of a natural birth until the end is REAL! I might be one of a few that can actually say that the pain didn't go away once they gave her to me.  I had a 3rd degree episiotomy, many stitches and tons of pain! I will say the pain is worth it when I look at my daughter. It's not forgettable but it was and is WORTH IT! Every cough, sneeze, rip in walking and pain is so WORTH IT! The emotion is high in our house. I'll be a full time stay at home mommy starting tomorrow and Adalyn will be 1 week old.  I am not nervous because she is an awesome baby! But I selfishly have LOVED having my husband home with me the last month. I am struggling with breastfeeding but I have decided to pump what I can, give her a boob when she wants it and of course bottle feed.  Might not have been my plan but my entire pregnancy and labor wasn't what I planned.  I am doing my best to breath through the overwhelming feeling of judgement by all the gold star moms who breastfeed.  But the truth is selfishly its not what I want to focus on. I don't want to spend the next months upset or worried that I haven't fed my daughter.  Instead, I want to capture every moment with her and for these moments to be full of positive thoughts and happiness. Bones will heal, her bruising is gone, she has gained weight and her jaundice has clearned up! She is happy! Mommy is happy! Daddy is so in love!